In Dreams

The smoking dream is back again. It’s the one where I’m lighting up behind everyone’s back and I wake up pissed off at myself! It had gone for a while but now it has returned with a vengeance. I awoke this morning certain that I had been sneaking puffs, now, 20 years after quitting. Weird.

I wish I could just have textbook-style dreams, the ones that are easy to analyze. My one-time dreams are like episodes of Twin Peaks; fragmented and senseless! My recurring dreams are either of the smoking variety, or they place me back in college where I’m failing all but one course and hiding that fact from everyone. (Which, by the way, never actually happened in my real college life!) But even in the recurring school dream the courses change. One time I’m welding. Another time I’m cake decorating. Still again I’m a travel agency student. But I’m always flunking out and hiding that reality from people in my life!

Sleeping in two daily instalments doesn’t help. The deeper sleep seems to occur during the afternoon nap portion. But somehow my body knows not to stay unconscious for a long stretch and I wake up, naturally, after a couple of hours max, usually less. How does it know? Have I trained it that way? Am I making a full regression into toddler-hood?? And if so, will I be able to grow up again one day?!