A Heads Up For My Loved Ones

If I ever find myself on the wrong side of the law and my lawyer has to call around to raise money for my bail it will be because of an incident inside a grocery store, guaranteed.

Drivers can cut me off and I’m over it quickly. I can be short-changed or mistreated or any number of things and I just deal with them. But crowd me in line at a grocery check-out and you’re putting your safety at risk!

When my items are moving along the belt that is MY time with the cashier! Don’t lean ahead and start asking questions before my stuff is rung through. Go find a stock boy and ask him!

Don’t scrape my heels with your cart in your hurry to shove me ahead because you’re in a big rush and you are so much more important than I am.

Don’t give me puppy dog eyes with your one item hoping I’ll let you sneak ahead of me because you’re too special to wait in line behind two people at the 10-and-under checkout!

If you’re ahead of me, don’t stand there open-mouthed and inert until you’re given your total before you start counting out exact change, one penny at a time!

All of these things are annoying but the people who try to rush me through are the worst. It’s super icky to have some stranger breathing bratwurst in your ear when you’re standing in the haven’t-yet-paid position. I want to screech, Back the hell off! But I don’t.

It’s not up to me to teach manners to these louts and it’s probably too late for most of them anyway. So I quietly fantasize about using whatever I’m buying against them. Perhaps a good pummel with a handful of baby carrots would deliver the message. Or a near-drowning with 2% lactose free milk! Should the line between fantasy and reality ever blur, well, that’s when I’ll be making that plea for bail.